Acclimating

I have been back in Thailand for 33 days. I am adjusting to the heat. I no longer sweat profusely when I practice ashtanga. I had the mandatory food poisoning. My nervous system is back to normal (not the new normal of being calm like I hope, but a normal anxious self, yet not overly anxious). In these thirty days, I have been home in the south twice, to Koh Pangan (an island in the south which I have never been to) for 1 week, and the rest of the time in Bangkok. So it feels like it has been a lot of activities.

The lack of having to work makes me feel like I have been out of school and am doing a whole lot of nothing for like a year. I was gonna get over the graduate school syndrome of feeling like I have to be doing something all the time. But then I decided that no, I’m gonna go back to being the graduate school student, of working on some sort of stuff all the time. I mean if I still want this PhD then I have to. And I want this PhD, so I am going to.

But the difference is being able to shut it down when I retire for the day. The beauty of a 9 to 5 job is that you are done when you get home. No longer need to work. I never have that feeling. I think it’s because of the fact that I don’t feel like I work to my potential during the day. I always have this feeling of not reaching my potential and feel like I should have gotten more done, when in fact I didn’t and I don’t know if I could. But the expectation is there, and it backfires over time. So maybe it’s not being graduate student, but it’s the ability to detach from work. Most people are pretty detached from 9 to 5 work, but graduate students are very emotionally attached to their dissertation and their work. Is it sort of like entrepreneurs and business owners work 24/7 and are very attached to their work, very much live in their work. The difference is probably being those people get paid for what they put in, while graduate students get told that their works are not quite up to the par.

Anywho, I am not bitching about grad student here, just ruminating on what made me so emotionally entangled with grad school, and how I may proceed to write my dissertation effectively here in Thailand, while also have the 9 to 5 job.

I think its the attachment, and the feeling of helplessness that make PhD students suffer so much. (If you are not familiar with graduate students sucky life, check out PhD comics.com, quite an accurate illustration of graduate students life.)

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about today is about being back in my home country, after 9 years of living aboard, and assimilation into the american culture. I think there are different level of difficulties of people who lived abroad of assimilating back. For me i think the level of difficulty is about 9 out of 10. Why? Because the whole 9 years, I lived there without a big Thai communities. Everywhere I live, I probably have about 5 Thai friends at a time, with 1 or 2 I hang out with maybe once a week. Being back here, some part of me is happy. But most of the time I feel like an implant. I feel quite displaced, and disoriented. I have this feeling that I am an outsider.

I am sorry for being all over the place. Also if you are reading up to now, thank you for bearing with me. I started this blog initially to share healthy lifestyles, but it’s probably going to be turning more and more into a personal blog, sharing my feeling and thoughts at the time. I have not been very regular with writing, but I think it’s really good for me. Part of it is therapeutics for my throat chakra. My communication is blocked, and this has a physical manifestation of tightening of the muscle around the throat, the feeling of having a lump in the throat. I have had this symptoms for a few years now. It sometimes feel hopeless, like I can never get rid of it. But i truly believe that eventually, once I work on my communication and eliminate the discrepancy between my higher understanding or higher consciousness, and the physical expression, once I start to live in the flow and able to express myself, then the symptom will go away.

Thank you so much if you are still reading. I know there is not much structure in the blog today. And I promise I will update this blog regularly once a month as a minimum.

Warmly,
Yours.

Self practice in new home

“If you have a teacher, you are blessed. If you have a teacher who practices, you are doubly blessed. If you have a teacher who practices and cares about you, then you are triply blessed”

I am grateful to have this practice that I can carry with every where with me and is one constant in my life, especially going through during important transitions in life.

Self practice # 2 . Second day practicing at new home in Bangkok. In the beginning, I find myself counting Sanskrit vinyasa in my head to start the practice. Really see the value of Sanskrit counting now and will start learning counting traditional way to help with self practice. This is the first time that I have enough tapas to practice up to here. (Definitely no workshopping or detour in between to keep the tapas.) I was really proud of myself. This is the first Kapotasana in 3 weeks, so taking Tim Miller’s advice to always start with a prayer. Drop backs were sloppy and all over the place, but that’s what you get from not dropping back every day! I was surprised to see that it took the total of only 58 mins to practice up to here. My nervous system is shot from all the transitions and traveling. So my breath was really short. Also it’s humid and sticky here. Maneuvering all the arm balances transitions was a different beast with all the sweat.

Back where it all began

So, I have made my way back home after 9 years of being abroad. Never ever would have known how today would feel like 9 years ago. It’s a weird feeling, honestly, I don’t know how I feel. I think I’m pretty overwhelmed and my nervous system is sort of in shock, from all the traveling and going through a big change.

 

I went back to the Office of Civil Servant today to report back to them that I have completed my education and is ready to begin to work. It was quite weird. They relocate their old office, where I had to go 9 years ago, to sign the contract to receive the scholarship.  They remodel their new office after the old one. Everything looks the same, as if the just lift the whole place up from the old office  there.  So, honestly, it was quite trippy. Then there is a mom, talking to the same person who was in change of my orientation to the Thai Scholars 9 years ago. They already sign the contract, but she was hesitant and ask the officer as if they want to back off. Again, trippy, because I am them nine years ago. And until today, I still don’t know if I had gone back I would do the same– to accept the scholarship with such immense obligation.

That being said, I am excited to start working soon. Being in school blows, especially in the past two years. Even though I still have the dissertation to finish, somehow, starting to work lift a load off me. I don’t feel so emotionally charged about school so much, and am more positive about completing the dissertation than when I was just a graduate student.

 

My practice has suffered from traveling and the transition. But I am getting back on track, starting with home practice. This hopefully will get my nervous system back on track.  Three weeks ago I was in Phoenix, and stopped by St. Louis for a week, Germany for 10 days, then finally make my way back to Bangkok.  It’s 2:13pm  now, which would have been 10:13am in Germany, and 2:13am in St. Louis, and 1:13am in Phoenix.

So I am loopy and tired. Not sure how I feel anymore. I know i’m reluctant, but also know that if i submit and surrender and let things flow, it’s gonna be great. So the work here is to do my duty, my practice and let go. And let go.

 

Going Home

Hello Friends,

It’s been a while since I last updated this blog. It’s because I am going through a transition and feel like I need to be with myself more. Be inwards.  I have been mentally preparing myself for the transition. I’m moving back to Thailand in a few weeks. It has been a long time coming, but I was also in denial about it. I didn’t start telling people that I am moving back until a few weeks ago. It’s coming close and It’s happening. The United States has been home for me for the past 9 years. The second home was in St. Louis, where I spent 4 years there, and Phoenix/Tempe has slowly become the second home in the past 4 years.

I am both anxious and excited at the same time. I am apprehensive about going back since I have assimilated so well here. But at the same time, I am also excited to go back to my root, to where I came from and reconnect with my beginning.  Even though my identity has been shaped by my experience here, I deep down believe that being back home would bring out my true self, would bring the best in me out again.

I’m ready for this transition and another wave of transformation yet to come.

 

Love and light,

Gift

Yoga Is My Beer

I’m guilty of using yoga (or meditation) as a way to numb out my pain, emotion and make myself feel good. So what’s wrong with this ? It works right? This is probably an exaggeration but if we are using yoga that way, it’s no different from using beer, or xanax, or substances to get away from your emotions or pains. We ended up repressing emotions and will never transform. Emotion needs to rise and be acknowledged before being let go.

Worse, just like any other thing, you will have to do more and more yoga, more and more meditation to feel the same effect, as your body adjusts to it. Typical yoga class no longer cuts it for me. I need a super sweaty, crazy hard stuff to feel good these days. So I ask myself, am I doing it right? I have been doubting myself this for a while. I know something is not right.  I say yes I am doing it just fine, but it could be better.

This post is inspired by this post I read.

“So why not? Using meditation or yoga (or anything) to self sooth or numb out can calm you down and keep you okay, and that’s fine. The issue is that it won’t change you. It won’t heal you. It won’t transform you.

While emotional numbing is certainly encouraged in pursuit-of-happiness America, and all meditators fall prey to dissociating (daydreaming is a mild form) now and again, if learned properly, the average practitioner will learn to connect with and experience emotion instead of repress it.”

And if you asked me, I would say, no I don’t know how to not use yoga as my beer. It’s hard. I am so good and so used to repress my emotions, for so long. I repress everything. My long chronic back pain is, as I recently learn, a symptom of repressing my anger and  anxiety. (This topic is probably more appropriate for another post, about TMS. Those who have chronic pain, this book, Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection
, is worth looking into. Don’t wait to get it like I did. )  

No matter how much yoga I do, i will still have some sort of stiffness and tensions in my shoulder or neck. It’s not from too much chaturanga, or vinyasa. It’s from the stress, from the repressed emotion of fear, sometimes anger, the not knowing and anxiety about the future.

I know this true because I have been doing this (yoga) long enough that I know, every time I am able to get rid of the tension, it always come back within a few hours. Because I quickly get stressed again. 

By no means, I am blaming yoga here. Don’t get me wrong, without yoga I will probably suffer many other diseases like hypertension, ulcer, etc, and the back and neck pain might even be debilitating, instead of just numbness and dull in the neck and upper back.

But my point is yoga and meditation is capable of much more than that. More than just masking the symptoms. It’s capable of curing the root cause. It requires grind, and hard work, and tenacity to face yourself, to reach radical freaking acceptance.

As of now, as a professional emotional represser, I don’t know and I am not sure how I can fully feel my emotion again. I am convinced that there is this part of the brain, the unconscious part, that I am unable to control, but it has deep connection with my body. So working on my body, as yoga provides us the tool to, will eventually help. But I want something more direct, to work on it at a psychological and mental level as well.

Here is some strategies I could come up with to work on un-repressing-emotion-habit.

  1. Repeatedly ask myself, “what is it that I am hiding?” “what emotion that is being repressed?” “what is it that causing numbness in my upper back”. Usually you won’t hear the answer right away when you are asking. But unconscious mind, unlike our logical mind, takes a while to work, to process, and to change. So when you ask a question, you might be surprised that sometimes the answer comes to you, maybe not immediately, but it will come.
  2. When I feel emotion, I no longer divert my attention away. You can practice mindfulness of your emotion without reverting your attention away back to the breath.  It’s a form of mindfulness. Just simply meditate or be mindful of the emotion, without judging. Sometimes, after a while, the emotion get bored, or it might not like being observed or noticed, it went away. And that way, we are not repressing it. We gave it a change to rise, and be acknowledged.
  3. Coerce. Tell you brain to stop it! Stop repressing! Stop hiding! Stop direct my attention away from what needed to be heeded at the time! If nothing else, might as well try coercion, right?
  4. Establish a daily practice. Establish a consistent practice, or a thing you do everyday at the same time that will allow you to reflect, be with yourself and don’t run away. Maybe coming to the mat every day. Or  make yourself write everyday for certain amount of time. Or meditate at the same same for a certain amount of time every day. Commit to it, no matter how sucky it feels at the time. No shitty sessions go to waste. Shitty sessions are probably the most needed and that’s when we make the most progress. It’s the shitty session that allow difficult emotion to rise and process. We are our worst distractors. The reason for the prevalence of ADD is probably because we can’t even be with ourselves or difficult task for longer than 3 minutes. So make yourself stay. Stay!

So if you have any other strategies to  stop the habit of repressing your emotion, please share ! I love to hear your comments, and you know I would take every suggestions I can get. ;)

 

Birthday 27th, the come back

So I worked up to my birthday by doing juice cleanse this week. Earlier the week I was down in the abyss, so I decided to do juice cleanse . I got on my iphone searching for 3 days juice detox and found one from the top of google search from Dr. oz with joe, the guy from Sick, Fat and nearly Dead. I drove to Sprouts, farmer supermarket and got needed vegetables and fruits for about 2 dayish juice cleanse. And holy shit it was a lot of stuff. I’m glad I look up the recipe because if I had done it myself I would not have made that much juice and it wouldn’t have been enough to function on.

20140116-231856.jpg

20140116-231918.jpg

20140116-231928.jpg

20140116-231937.jpg

20140116-231952.jpg

20140116-232000.jpg

Picture worth a thousand words. ;) one thing I like about this cleanse is that it allows you to EAT dinner, but only fruits and vegetables . Drinking juice all day, getting to eat was awesome. I made fruit salad Thai style, with lime juice, fish sauce, Thai chilli, and a little bit of sugar.

On the third day on cleanse, on my birthday eve, I had a breakdown. I felt the sense if hopelessness and I realize that how I have been feeling for the last , I don’t know, year? So i said to myself that I need to get it together, I need to restore faith and hope.

Next morning, I woke up, started working on my paper first thing because I know I need to start making it priority. And the day just went better and better . I made breakfast, adding eggs back into my diet. And had two productive meeting with professors, and got closures from some others. The day was blessed with clarity.

clarity and faith . I know this is my mantra for the 27th year of my life. I worked hard for the clarity. The cleanse worked. Self restraint worked. My body is clean, my
Mind is clear .

Timji also wrote a blog about this Capricorn full moon, which happens to be on my birthday this year . And the funny thing is he usually only writes one entry per week, but this week he added part ii to the blog. I read his first part and I was disappointed and crap and stopped reading half way , not because it wasn’t good, because I knew it wasn’t for me, it wasn’t what I looked for . It didn’t resonate . Then birthday eve, he wrote part two about full moon! About how this full moon is the symbol of the ultimate come back , like Rama getting his kingdom back after he lost it, or reunion with Sita after he lost her. The grand ultimate come back . AnD so I believe this is my come back year .

The productive day ended with a great ashtanga class. I decided to get a practice in before I taught. And I have such clarity and surge of energy to teach. I felt it was one of the best class I offered. Practicing before teaching is the way it’s meant to be.

Ending tonight with this post.

Look for clarity, not peace . Or something like that, said AJ.

New Year Resolutions, 2014

I wasn’t going to have new year resolutions but my friend asked me what they are this year. I said, none cause what I am doing is already great, on the right path. (The statement of contentment, ignorance or cockiness?  You decide!) But over dinner with my boyfriend, we talked about it and I decided to come up with three things we want to do next year. Before I tell you what they are, let me tell you about the principal for coming up with good new year resolutions.

First, forget about setting goals, focus on building a system. Read this post for more elaboration.  Like what you may guess, instead of setting a goal to lose weight (oh the horror), set a system. Write out what you will do to reach that goal. And the system should be doable. Focus on moderation and consistency. Focus on building up a habit, a system. For instance, if you never work out then start from a realistic goal of working out two times a week. And set the date you will work out, like every Tuesday and Thursday.

Second, give yourself some wiggle room, a backup plan. 

So I wrote down 3 resolutions.

1) Post less food photos on social media, except on special occasions. 

I developed this habits of posting delicious food pictures on Facebook and instagram. (Yea, I’m so asian). Why do I want to stop doing this? Because I feel like it is a form of self-aggrandizing. I want people to know that I am living this lavish life eating good meals all the time. A form of boasting.  One day, a friend on fb chat said you always posts delicious food pictures on Facebook, I am so jealous. And I just thought about the time I am looking at other people’s food photo and get hungry and jealous. Then I decided that I don’t want to make anyone else feel that way from me posting food photos. Notice that I give myself some wiggle room, to post on special occasions. And the intention of posting has to be to share some other values, other than self-aggrandizing. It’s all about the intention.

Read: less self-aggrandizing

Wiggle room: special occasions, without self-aggrandizing. 

2) Clean up and de-clutter on regular basis, every Saturday, (or a backup day on Sunday)

So this is because I feel like I have accumulate things, belonging over time. Unfortunately, I think housekeeping is a kind of skill you have to develop. I like to have a clean, neat, de-cluttered house, I just don’t know how. I grew up with a mom who never throws anything away. She is a bit of a hoarder, and save everything to reuse and recycle.

Read: letting go of things that no longer serve you

Wiggle room: back-up day

3) Write Journal Everyday

There was some period in my life that I was very anxious and depressed. I read a lot of self-help books and one of the recommendations was to keep journal. I did for a few weeks, and I slowly felt better. I felt a sense of clarity. Then I stopped after I felt somewhat better. Why is it that we stop doing things that we know are good for us? I think it’s part of a defense mechanism or resistance to changes. I feel like I was doing too good or something so I sabotage myself by stopping doing what works. Or maybe it’s more like, I’m not suffering, at least not unbearably anyway, so why do it? Here 2014, I’m re-enacting keeping journal.

Read: Reflection and Clarity

Wiggle room: need not be long, can just be one sentence for what I am grateful for today. 

 

What’s your new year resolutions, or are you choosing to have no resolution this year?

 

~CW

New Year’s Eve: Transition into New Year

So I am a little bit superstition about things. I like to do things certain ways for good omens. I have no plan for new year’s eve, but I know what I don’t want to do. No partying. I am growing out of partying (wow, wow.. I think last new year party that went wrong was in Vegas.) It’s the worst thing to wake up first day of the year hang over, disheveled and having things out of order.

 

So I am writing this post to plan out what I want to do on New Year’s Eve. What else is better than writing to help refining thoughts?

I read this post on mysticmamma.com and was inspire to come up with a day aiding with letting go and paving way to rebirth.

We start of the New Year with a New Moon in Capricorn! A SuperMoon with some strong aspects at play calling us to activate and unearth that which has been lying dormant within.

“The New Moon in Capricorn’s themes are letting go and paving the way for rebirth and aligning with quality and integrity…”

New Year’s Day is going to be a super moon, new moon, a great time to sit back, reflect and allow things to realign. So my day is going to be mainly of finishing up the cleaning and declutter project, and some works and routines that I like to carry out over new year, for good omens.  The evening is largely reserved for spiritual activities: yoga, reflection, relaxation, chanting and meditation.

Routines that I like to keep throughout the year includes waking up early and yoga practice. 

6:00 am: wake up, start with cleaning routine, neti pot , tongue scraping and Sole drinking. Click here about drinking Sole (salt water) in the morning.

6:30 am : Ashtanga yoga practice. I’m going to experiment with full vinyasa, because I have read about how guruji taught in this way in the 70s and really want to try.

Then two hours of writing. I have difficulty with finishing writing my thesis and figure out a way to build a system of writing routine, instead of setting goal to finish the paper.

Then additional research for the paper. I separate writing time from research time, otherwise I would never write and keep doing more and more research without a clear direction of where it is going.

The work will be sandwiched with good wholesome homemade food, and cleaning project.

Then, no matter what, I will stop working before sunset. Once sunset I will start the spiritual evening, with a whole lot of sense withdrawal, self-inquiry, introspections. It involves spiritual activities like yoga, chanting, sitting to build conditions for stillness and clarity.

That sounds like one perfect day for me. What’s your New Year’s Eve plan?

Syncronicity

“When I began practicing yoga 36 years ago I started to notice an ebb and flow of energy on a daily basis—the same practice done on different days was a very different experience. Sometimes the energy felt Sattvic (harmonious), other times Rajasic (stirred up), and other times Tamasic (dull). This waxing and waning of energy didn’t seem to necessarily have anything to do with the amount of sleep I got, the purity of my diet, or the general state of my relationships—it seemed to have its own agenda. In an attempt to try to understand this phenomenon I began to look into astrology. I believe that we live in an intelligent universe where there are many dynamic, yet invisible forces acting upon us at all times. ” -Timji

another wise man to not take credit or discredit for a practice. sometimes when i have a really good practice, i feel like energy from an outside source flows through me. and when its not good i just feel heavy which probably mean energy block. humbling. http://timmiller.typepad.com/blog/2013/11/tuesday-november-19thsynchronicity.html

Today I have a freaky day in terms of energy. Freaky as in like unprecedented.  I have some freaky energy unleashed. Did the whole primary and second series in the morning and didn’t feel tired. Usually by the time I am done with just second series itself, I’m beat. This morning no. So I added tic-tac in the backbends just to get some of the jittery energy out. Then at noon, I went to another power class and felt some work in lower body more than normal but still not tired.

 

So I definitely didn’t think it was anything I do in particular. Except I semi-fast the day before. That might start it. But I think its more than that. So I look some stuff up. Timji said earlier in the week that Mercury and Mars are dominant. So I asked my astrology-adept friend, and she said it might be Mars for me. And I look at some horoscope and sure there is something.

Things are taking a new turn for me. So I know last time I wrote about quitting. And I really really was quitting. But somehow, I got another curve ball. Apparently I am back in the game, but changing teammates (i.e. ppl who I will be working with) .

I feel a little bit like a phoenix rising from ashes. I was absolutely devastated just last week. This week I am given another opportunity but also think this time I have what it takes to do this. Like I am finally mentally and emotionally ready for it. And also the people involved are going to be the right one.  I say this because there are events that lead me here. Syncronicity, we may say. Things are just happening to support me this time. And i’m not resisting it.

 

I am also catching myself being paranoid, like in the old habit. But this time, somehow I am able to just tell myself to stop listening to the narrater and tell myself that I have time. It’s always about time. In the past few years, I constantly felt  like I have no time to do anything. No time to sit down and breathe. This also affects my performance in a big way, because when I feel like i don’t have time I can never think properly. This time, I can tell myself to stop being neurotic and that I have time.

 

Things happened for a reason. I felt like the world was collapsing, that I have reached the end of the chapter. In turn, now I feel like if I lose, so what–I have nothing to lose? I did lose it and now it’s not even worth paranoid about because I have already been in that scenario. This kind of thinking is very powerful.  nothing to lose-mentality. its basically stripping your ego of things its attached to.

 

 

 

Taurus Full Moon: the end and the new beginning

 

The Taurus Full Moon is about finding the Gold in You.
  • What is true for you?
  • What are your core values?
  • What gives you passion?
  • What gives your life meaning?
  • What would you do with ten million dollars?  

“…With the Full Moon in Taurus, issues around finances, money, and material stuff may arise or trigger emotional reactions. Rather than focus on quick fix techniques to ‘manifest’ which is a quick fix for ego level desires… why not go deeper? Investigate underneath the what motivates the desires, fears of lack and limitation. Heal the issue or areas where there has been suffering or feelings of no self-worth.

“The central message of this full moon is one of endurance. It alerts us to the need to endure in order to transform; that change does not come out of the blue in the blink of an eye, but step by step as we face our apparent demons to find them dissolving before our steady and unflinching gaze.

“Within a 10 day period, three planets have turned direct, Mercury (11/10), Neptune (11/13), Chiron (11/19) so the energies are quite concentrated and there’s the feeling of being buffeted and on shaky ground. We’re being blindfolded and spun around three times to give a whole new orientation.

Excerpt from lovely Mystic Mamma on Taurus full moon. Thank you for providing insights into this powerful full moon.

Something dramatic happens to me on Taurus full moon. The ongoing issues with my endeavor to get a PhD while there are so much resistances and obstacles along the way. My body starts to tell me this is not where I should be at the time and not in line with my core values in the forms of panic attacks, anxiety, irritability, depression, lump in the throat, etc you name it. But I chose to ignore it. Instead I keep listening to my ego, ” but what about the PhD. The prestige.”

Yesterday on Taurus full moon was the mark that I am definitely not pursuing PhD, at least at this time in my life, anymore. This is not shortcoming by any means. There are signs that this would happen for about one year ago. I have already checked out of the program, putting in effort minimally just to get by, invested more and more in other things outside of the program. I firmly decided that I would quit the program three times before this. Each time I feel exhilarated, relieved, and joyous. But somehow about two weeks after making the decisions to quit, every time I convince myself to “commit” to continue the program.

The first time I decided to quit was because I realize that there was no one in the department that I would end up working with at the time. Then new opportunities presented itself in the department with new faculty recruits and a great teaching opportunity. The glimpse of hope showed up.

After everything was going so well, I somehow managed to sabotage my success in this path, without knowing I was doing it. In retrospect, I realize that I sabotage my success by fucking up things that were given to me. It was probably a manifestation of the misalignment of where I was with my core values. I deep down inside no longer believe in the academia, in the PhD program, in what I was doing. After the major fuck up happens, I decided to quit the second time. Now, it was the fear of changes that holds me back. I mistake “keep trying” as endurance from strength but it was rather a resistance from fear of changes and uncertainties. I remember the second time I decided to quit, a few days after at a social gathering someone asked me what I studied, and I said oh I am a PhD student in Economics. After I said that I realize that if i quit I can no longer say that.  I got cold feet. I realize that I was attached to the identity of a PhD student or a future Dr.  So, instead of quitting, I decided I will just keep “trying.”

The third time around was different. This time when I decided to quit and I started telling people  that I will quit.  In the course of a few days, people who are influential to me told me to commit and endure. So again, this time I said, I will give it a try. I will endure and commit.  I would say I did endure it but did not fully commit. I did finish what I said I would finish, but I wasn’t giving it my best. (In fact I did give it my best that I could, but it wasn’t my best because it didn’t come from within, if you know what I mean.) And obviously they can sniff it out. Despite having something to hand in at the end, it wasn’t enough.  I feel like they were probably insulted on so many levels from me not being fully committed and perhaps “wasting their time.”

 

Although in the end I ended up quitting, I have learned many lessons from trying to stick it out the third time. Maybe the third time is really a charm?  Things happened this way for a reason.  It was nothing noble but I had learned about fulfilling my responsibility, dedication and consistency. I needed to try the third time to grow up spiritually from the lessons in this phase of my life.

The third time that I stick to the program was also right around the same time I started to establish a consistent ashtanga practice. Waking up at the same time every day to do the same thing provides such a powerful reflection of the state of being I am in each day.  When I have a breakthrough emotionally or spiritually, it shows in the practice. There is a parallel breakthrough in the practice. Sometimes not always observable to the eyes from outside. And when I run into emotional blockages, resistance or obstacles, these also present themselves in the practice. Having a consistent practice allows me to be more in tune with what’s going on within.  I am so grateful for the lineage, for all my teachers and fellow practitioners in the mysore room that inspire me to wake up and show up and do this ancient practice every day.

So, on the night of full moon, an uneventful email arrives in my mailbox, telling me something I already knew is coming up and I finally come to a realization that this is definitely it. The change of path. The end of this chapter in my life, and the new beginning is coming soon. I felt a strong sensation in my solar plexus. I started sobbing uncontrollably. Then I felt like someone punched me in my diaphragm, the solar plexus, which is the bodily connection to ego. Then I started puking. And puking. Until my stomach was empty. After the episode, the lump in my throat was gone, the load was lifted off my chest.  And the morning-after practice, I feel my heart opening more than ever in all the backbends. I got over my fear and for the first time and did tic-tacs by myself without assistance.

But the transformation does not happen in just a blink of eyes. My lump is not completely gone, it comes back to visit periodically but it got much better. I feel more at peace than ever. But I have gone through the feeling of transformation like this before to know that this is the honeymoon period. More hard works are coming up in order to undergo the whole process of transformation. And I have to stick to it and keep working it and do not give up, or else I will fall back into the same pattern again.

Off to clean out closets and my apartment today and this week.

Clean the closet. Make space for new things to unfold. Find the gold within you.  

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

A journey to health and mindfulness

This site is protected by Comment SPAM Wiper.
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers: